Life

Every normal American, man or woman, understands that these kinds of choices come with a price. This isn't a problem with our system. In a very basic way, it's not even a problem at all. Problems can be fixed. Problems that have no solution aren't problems: They're life. You can say the fact that 2+2 is 4 is a problem because you want 2+2 to equal a badger that craps plutonium pellets ready for a cold-fusion reactor. But that doesn't make it a problem; it makes you a really weird dude, who should probably sit out the next few downs. Choices have consequences. That's why they're called "choices."

-Jonah Goldberg,  The Goldberg File 1/10/2014

Kill Switch

There's no kill switch on awesome.

-Dilbert, Dilbert, 2/11/2012

A duck farting in thunder.

Now, if I, a former mere bank clerk, know that this is a piece of window-dressing, you can bet Warren and the M and S bloke know it too. Whatever their generous contributions to their nations’ exchequers, in the context of our economy, and the huge American one, the effect will be as a duck farting in thunder.

-Terry Wogan, Paying more tax will get us nowhere very fast, The Telegraph

Duly Harsh

Just to be clear, my views of, and appreciation for, France have improved since the days of my hardcore French-bashing. In the past I may have been unduly harsh. Now I would like to think I am merely duly harsh.

-Jonah Goldberg, The Corner

Best Billy Madison Quote

Mr. Madison, what you've just said . . . is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

-Principal, Billy Madison

Speak softly...

Teddy Roosevelt never said, "Speak softly and carry 'Cat in the Hat.'"

-Greg Gutfeld, Daily Gut

Terrifying

In one of those weird ironies of nature, being surrounded by a bunch of soapy-sponge-wielding attractive University of Alabama female zoology students in wet t-shirts is an excellent plot device for a late night cinemax movie when the subject "victim" getting a bath is a sensitive-yet-jocular ski instructor, but it's terrifying if you're a brown pelican.

-Jonah Goldberg, post on The Corner

Misery Engines

Truth is, these losers offer no solutions – they’re just misery engines bent on destroying the achievements of others.

-Greg Gutfeld, Daily Gut

Beat Him

If you see a Bulgarian in the street, beat him. He will know why.

-Russian saying

Squirrel Time Machine

To be intellectually honest, I thought the bin Laden tape was good news for Bush, too. And, for now, that doesn't seem to have panned out. Of course, I didn't think that Rove set the whole thing up; nor do I think squirrels have constructed a time machine under my bed using Q-Tips and Mars bars.

-Jonah Goldberg

Sunshine & Lollipops

Liberalism is always one more tutorial away from sunshine and lollipops for everyone.

-Jonah Goldberg, Planned Summit Is Just an Infomercial in Disguise

Serious Business

I never kid about quiche.

-John Casey, "Chuck", Chuck Versus the Helicopter

Dog-Feces Ice Cream

It’s a good basic axiom that if you take a quart of ice-cream and a quart of dog feces and mix ’em together the result will taste more like the latter than the former. That’s the problem with the U.N.

-Mark Steyn, National Review Online

Squirrels would taste more like ice cream...

But there's still a problem. Yes, Biden is occasionally a truth-teller. But, just as often, he's explaining how FDR spoke to Americans on TV, years before they had television sets or — give it time — how squirrels would taste more like ice cream if goats were only taller. And again, whenever he punctures the politics as usual with an inconvenient truth, the administration forces Biden to recant, not the other way around.

-Jonah Goldberg, USA Today column 8/4/2009

Is that racist?

"Boris! Big gun is perfect for hunting moose and squirrel!"

"Yes, Natasha! Soon Moose will be stuffed and mounted over fireplace!"

Wait.

Should I do that?

Is that racist?

-Spider-Man to himself while watching Russian gangsters buy illegal weapons, Amazing Spider-Man #589

Funny Because It's True

All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to Business School.
-Guenter the monkey, "Mars University", Futurama

Rocks

I am allergic to rocks hitting me in the face.
-Mike Rowe, Dirty Jobs, "Wind Farm Technician"

Pants

Pants. Then spaceship. In that order.
-Jaime Reyes, Blue Beetle #24

Beans

You gotta respect a girl who likes beans.
-Darin Labar