Funny Because It's True

All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to Business School.
-Guenter the monkey, "Mars University", Futurama

Never Compromise

No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise.
-Rorschach, Watchmen

Independence Day

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epocha in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forevermore.
-John Adams, from a letter to Abigail Adams.
(The Declaration of Independence was adopted officially two days later, hence Adams referring to the second rather than the fourth.)

Rocks

I am allergic to rocks hitting me in the face.
-Mike Rowe, Dirty Jobs, "Wind Farm Technician"

Unwatched

What Hitler did not believe and what Stalin did not believe and what Mao did not believe and what the SS did not believe and what the Gestapo did not believe and what the NKVD did not believe and what the commissars, functionaries, swaggering executioners, Nazi doctors, Communist Party theoreticians, intellectuals, Brown Shirts, Black Shirts, gauleiters, and a thousand party hacks did not believe was that God was watching what they were doing.
-David Berlinski, The Devil’s Delusion

Vows

I will now read these special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. "Do you, Marge, take Homer, in richness and in poorness" -- poorness is underlined -- "in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated"... [consults the notecards] ... and it goes on like this.
-Rev. Lovejoy, The Simpsons, "A Milhouse Divided"

Pants

Pants. Then spaceship. In that order.
-Jaime Reyes, Blue Beetle #24

Beans

You gotta respect a girl who likes beans.
-Darin Labar

Specialization is for insects.

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
-Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough For Love

Don't just do something...

Don't just do something, stand there!
-Jonah Goldberg